Heartbreak

"Your broke my heart, but i still love you with all the pieces"

You know all along I had the thought that the word heartbreak was just a metaphor to describe pain and deep sadness.  Until I realised that it is actually a descriptor.  The first time I had my heart broken by someone it left me distraught.   I thought I would not recover from that, but I did and being the die hard- romantic, I got unstuck, I let go and moved on. 

Oh boy, this time around it’s so damn hard, because I thought he was it, he was the one, my soulmate.  This is freaking ridiculous; I can’t believe I am here again. That I am talking about heartbreak again. It does not matter how hard I try, or what my intentions are. It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, it just seems like no matter what, there’s always a guy, and there’s always heartache attached to that guy. Isn’t strange that when you get your heart broken images of past relationships and past crushes, past me-liking-him and-him not liking me back weaved in and out of your mind?

I am in denial.  I can’t believe my guy who promised me he would not hurt me, that he would earn my trust, who said he would be there for me and that he has never been as happy with anyone as he was with me.  My guy who said he feels complete and alive when he is with me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the  guy who hurt me the most.  Let me be clear about this, my guy did not cheat on me or anything scum baggy like that.  No he sold me a dream and I build all my hopes and ambitions for a happy life around that.   In the end he made all sorts of excuses, even try to pin the breakdown on me, played the guilt card and for a while there I thought I was to blame.  But the harsh truth is, HE DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STAY. 

My heart feels like it has cracked like crystal and broken into different pieces.  Right now I feel both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart. It’s too much and I am overcome by disbelief, then fear, and whole heck of grief.  I want to be strong; I want to be unaffected despite the rejection. I don’t want pity parties or my own sob stories.  I keep telling myself I am no sap. I want to stand tall and overcome this;  but guess what inside I am that same young girl who is a die-hard romantic and  she feels small, vulnerable, angry and hurt.  So for now I am marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss and lament. And hope tomorrow will be a better day!

Cheers

Nols