Be Brave, Courageous!!

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Brave by Sara Bareilles

I am sure unless you have been avoiding the internet or you have been living under a rock you have seen or heard the song Brave by Sara Bareilles.

What I know for sure is, some people will not always give you what you want, so you got to be brave.

“Expectations are the root of all heartache” Words wisely spoken by William Shakespeare :)

You can always ask what you want, but you still open yourself up to the possibility that you may not get it. In time you eventually come to realize that you can live without more attention, an apology, respect, adoration, or whatever it is you’re long to receive from someone else.  Someone once told me, it  takes courage to stand up for the love and life you feel you truly deserve. 

Courage, truly a commanding word.  I always thought it took self-awareness, self-respect, and self-love to stand up for what you want.  But I realize that it sure takes a lot of courage as well. Courage is choosing to be seen when it feels safer to hide.  We sometimes run full speed in the opposite direction when presented with the opportunity to be actually involved in something that is real, that makes you feel alive, something that is good.  Sometimes when something feels so good it feels alien to us and we run back to what is familiar.  We sometimes tend to forget that we are not limited to our past or heaven forbid to what lies ahead.  So we opt to stay and idle in what is familiar.

I say how about we be compelled to step into the unknown and outside of the lines that is familiar and be brave.When I think of brave, I think of people who take risks, deliberately step away from safety, to try and do something they never imagined they would do.  I equate bravery with selflessness, courage with risk taking.  We should not be afraid of what is yet to come, because God’s (whatever you conceive Him to be) presence illuminates our path. We need to have that faith to trust beyond what we can see and shut down the voices that compete for our attention and affection, and choose to be brave.  Nothing stands still, inside of you and around you there is always transformation. A way forward.

Being brave means taking that step when discouragement tries to stop you in your tracks. Have you notice that fear wants you to focus on uncertainty, the disappointments, the questions.  But today say NO to that fear and give your attention to Hope, to Recovery, to Possibility, to Restoration, to Love again… The way forward.  Courage gives you permission to express, to rebuild, to create, to be unashamed, and to experience something beyond what you expected.  Your YES to courage could set something powerful into motion that will reach past your lifetime and build foundations for lives yet to be lived.  Sound far-fetched not really.  When you choose courage anything is possible so;

Be Brave.

Bravery is contagious, be Brave

I am Brave!

My pennies worth for now.

Ciao

Noly

Write while the heat is in you -Henry David Thoreau- so here goes...

Y'all i have not been here for awhile.  I kind of swept all my "stuff" under a rug and opted to float and lie dormant, but now its time for me to;

Wake up!!!
Open your eyes, rise to another new day.
There are things to be done, and people to be seen.  Work to be done and NEW things to learn.
You sleeping does not improve anything.  You got to be fresh on your feet and sharp in your head so wake up.  You got to know everything from the Capital of Brasil to the latest travel advisory to Tanzania.  You got to know who Isis is and what time difference lay between here (South Africa) Munich and Moscow.  You got to remember all your friends and try to think of a peace solution for Gaza.  You got to recall The Greats everyday – your parents, their parents and their parents.  You got to think of Madiba, Biko, Hani, Solomon and all who pave the way before us.  Remember The Greats Corpenicus, Socrates, Descartes, Jung, Machiavelli, Kant and Shakespear and still keep your eye on Malema.  You need to live Sobukwe, Dr King and Ghandi. You can’t afford to forget, Sharpeville, Boipatong, Bisho, and Soweto76.  You need to know the difference between Maracana and Marikana.

You got to get out of bed; confront the biting cold till it fills the last of your lungs.  You got to travel light, offload on your journey, but make a life from the deep.  You got to stay inlove, make love, and be love.  You got to commit, but be free from bondage.  Grow and never stand still.  You got to live.  Stop seeing people but start looking into faces.  Don’t race ahead too far.  Speak to be understood not just because you like the sound of your voice.  Take care.  Be gentle with yourself.  You’ve got calls to make, calls to return, prayers that lie unformed on your lips.  You got the children to look after and mouths to feed.  You have duties and responsibilities to fulfil.  You have a smile to bring and a heart that yearns for more.  Let the past be the past.  Your future is beckoning.  Be inspired.  Stand in power so you can one day rest in peace.  Don’t sleep on your watch.  Look to the horizons edge but don’t trip on your next step.  Yonder is waiting.  Chase happiness, climb ladders and fly with the eagles.  Stay sharp.  Remain focused.  Success is waiting in the wings for you to come on stage.  You have dreams that need making and all of that requires waking.

So wake up.

Cheers

Noly

My emotional hangover continues

I just thought about the different types of hangovers.  There is the wine hangover, which leaves you spending more money the next day on stuff you don’t really need. (This is my confession).  There are beer hangovers which I heard are awful because you feel bloated and ugly for weeks (LOL). There are vodka hangovers which are second nature to most of us, (women).  There are the single malt hangover which usually is a breeze, because you never take too much of it. But then there is another type of hangover taking the world by storm: The emotional hangover.

Oh boy nothing is as agonizing as an emotional hangover - fretting about things you might have said that led to this, the result of making terrible life/relationship decisions that causes you to feel like crap and just your life in general.  You know emotional hangovers come to us exactly the way other hangovers come to us.  

Getting the alcohol induced hangover, you know you should not take that extra shot, but you take it anyway because screw this, you want to get drunk.  Similarly you know you must not text or call your ex but oh no, you want to see him, find out if he is thinking and missing you as much as you are thinking and missing him, or God forbid a roll in the hay for old times’ sake, so you do it anyway. What I do know for sure both hangover scenarios leaves you with a searing headache and nauseous.

So here I am today, from being curled up in a fetal position on my bedroom floor three weeks ago, wishing I could evaporate, to going out with my friends and drinking myself to oblivion (not confessing) (and I must admit during those sessions I was able to articulate rational thoughts and clearly see this breakup was the best thing to happen to me. Get this, I even found myself doling out relationship advice, of course completely unsolicited, but what the hell, I was going through a breakup, so here goes), to fantasizing about every bad thing in the book that should happen to my ex guy. For what it is worth, even trying to bargain with Lady Karma, (please let the bastard also get his, let him also feel what I feel right now).

But today it does not work; instead I am the embodiment of guilt, embarrassment, regret.  Come on where did all my anger and rage go?  Today I can’t think of one creative way how he can also suffer.  This inability to stay angry has always been my problem. I don’t often get mad and when I do its temporary.  

Becoming older and hopefully wiser, I feel that anger and hatred are wasted emotions. I now dislike the feeling of being mad at someone and even more so having someone being mad at me.  I am quick to apologize and even quicker to forgive. Some might say it’s a good quality, but is it really? When you have a forgiving nature, people take advantage, fact. Let’s add another thought-provoking fact to that; today I am no longer angry with my ex guy.  Some of you probably will say aahhh come on now Nolene, show some backbone, stay mad, and wish all the bad things on him, it’s too soon, and remember he left you, not the other way around. But I can’t and if it means I am being looked at as too forgiving, then I take it in my stride. I am a very passionate person who stands up for what I believe in and will go head on with anyone with whom I disagree, sometimes even too outspoken.  But I’ve come to learn to not do it out of anger or hatred. For now I just need to figure out how to take my fiery spirit and use it as sword as I continue to trudge through this never ending gauntlet…I mean life.    

What I know for sure, having an emotional hangover is one crazy, roller coaster ride, but like all hangovers it WILL fade.

Cheers,

Difficult Questions and Emotional Hangover

Like millions of women worldwide, I was also a Sex and the City groupie.  I never missed an episode. Through all the gossip about their sex lives or lack thereof, finding new ways how to deal with men, incredible and not so incredible fashion, making the cosmopolitan cocktail famous and putting Manolo Blahnik on the map, SATC was just a show, women could identify with.  It’s been almost 10 years since the shittiest breakup in the universe was aired on Sex and the City.  You remember  the final season, season 6 episode 7 (Post-it always sticks twice)  when the douchebag (Jack Burger) Carrie was just talking to her BFF’s about ending it with him (unbeknown to him) beat her to the punch by leaving in the middle of night leaving only a seven word post-it, “ I am sorry. I can’t.  Don’t hate me.”

Yeah I know its fiction, but for any die-hard SATC fan   you could not help but feel something when Carrie whacked that vase of flowers to the floor after she discovered the post-it.  Most of us have been there. Whether on a post-it,  (or these days via text message, email– both are equally gross) a phone call or *gasp* in person being told our love partner wants out is one of the scariest and heartbreaking moments  in our lives, my opinion.

It’s been one week and I keep replaying the conversation.  (mine was in person and not a seven word) I can’t be with you right now.  I have so many things to sort out.  I don’t have the time for a relationship; I don’t know when this dark cloud that I am battling with will be over, so it won’t be fair of me to ask you to wait.  You have to also live your life, be happy, and, and, and.   I am amazed at how a few unassuming sentences can have such a profound impact on my life.  In minutes my two and half years of happiness with my guy disappeared right before my eyes.  I bargained, I cried, I begged to no avail. (Yeah we do become pathetic when the guy you love, out of the blue dumps you – You immediately go in to survival mode) How can something that I thought was so special come to a screeching halt?  How does a person whom you have spoken to every day for the past two and a half years suddenly become almost heartless? Like you never were close.  How long has he known that he wanted to leave me?  How long did he know that I was not part of his future plans? Was he all along just living a lie with me, pretending? Does he still love me?  Did he ever love me? Was I the fool inlove?

I might never know all the answers to the questions, so maybe I should start asking myself some new ones.  Was I as happy with him as I thought? Do I resent him for leading me on, giving me hope? Can I forgive him for what he has put me through? Do I still love him? Did I ever love him? But even these questions are difficult to answer (well except for the last two, I obviously have always and still do love him.) Hopefully throughout this journey of piecing my broken heart together, I will be able to answer all the questions fully and honestly.

For now I should just stick to the easy questions, do I need a new pair shoes? Yes!  Should I buy the Sex and the City series for my girlie collection? Hell Yes!!  Should I really have cosmopolitan number 4? Abso-freaking-lutely!!! 

Cheers

Heartbreak

"Your broke my heart, but i still love you with all the pieces"

You know all along I had the thought that the word heartbreak was just a metaphor to describe pain and deep sadness.  Until I realised that it is actually a descriptor.  The first time I had my heart broken by someone it left me distraught.   I thought I would not recover from that, but I did and being the die hard- romantic, I got unstuck, I let go and moved on. 

Oh boy, this time around it’s so damn hard, because I thought he was it, he was the one, my soulmate.  This is freaking ridiculous; I can’t believe I am here again. That I am talking about heartbreak again. It does not matter how hard I try, or what my intentions are. It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, it just seems like no matter what, there’s always a guy, and there’s always heartache attached to that guy. Isn’t strange that when you get your heart broken images of past relationships and past crushes, past me-liking-him and-him not liking me back weaved in and out of your mind?

I am in denial.  I can’t believe my guy who promised me he would not hurt me, that he would earn my trust, who said he would be there for me and that he has never been as happy with anyone as he was with me.  My guy who said he feels complete and alive when he is with me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the  guy who hurt me the most.  Let me be clear about this, my guy did not cheat on me or anything scum baggy like that.  No he sold me a dream and I build all my hopes and ambitions for a happy life around that.   In the end he made all sorts of excuses, even try to pin the breakdown on me, played the guilt card and for a while there I thought I was to blame.  But the harsh truth is, HE DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STAY. 

My heart feels like it has cracked like crystal and broken into different pieces.  Right now I feel both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart. It’s too much and I am overcome by disbelief, then fear, and whole heck of grief.  I want to be strong; I want to be unaffected despite the rejection. I don’t want pity parties or my own sob stories.  I keep telling myself I am no sap. I want to stand tall and overcome this;  but guess what inside I am that same young girl who is a die-hard romantic and  she feels small, vulnerable, angry and hurt.  So for now I am marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss and lament. And hope tomorrow will be a better day!

Cheers

Nols

My Love Lessons

Seeking my Soulmate

"Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You not easy to find

Is it possible Mr Loveable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone" -Natasha Beddingfield

I have always been a sucker for romance.  Some that knows me well might even label me as die-hard romantic. When I was  a young girl, whether  it was watching shows, dramas or reading romantic novels, I always enjoyed the love stories the most. I would relish in witnessing the characters meet each other, fall in love with each other and overcome trials and tribulations to be together. The main lead in the book or the drama would always have a special someone – a soulmate, who held out for him/her, who was steadfast in his feelings and would give it all for person he/she loves. Their love stories would always pan out to happy endings. I wanted that for myself. 

 I wanted my  soulmate, a person who i feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle I always thought of myself as a strong independent girl, but there has always been a big part of me who wants to be loved, protected and cared for. There has been a few times  where i  thought that I had finally met the  proverbial ‘good one’ but he never stayed for long.
My love lessons  in my quest to find that elusive soulmate has been riddled with great losses and heartbreak. 

Right now i have to get unstuck, let go and pick up the pieces of my broken heart, because another one left me. Wow and we had all the elements of being soulmates.  With him I had a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass. We were mentally inseparable. We had that mental connection where we always would pick up the phone and call each other at the exact same time, like we are apart, but our minds was always in tune. I always felt like I could do anything with him by my side.  Kind of like us against the world thing. I know this might sound corny or a bit cliche, but we had the tendency to look each other in the eyes when speaking, and I thought this comes from a deep-seated connection.

I thought he was my soulmate and right now I am battling to walk away.  Dont they say its not easy to walk away from your soulmate because you cant imagine being without them and you believe its worth sticking around and fighting for. But he left and I must come to terms with that and right now it hurts so badly and I have moments where I can't breathe thinking about him and the loss.

Yet for now i still remain ever hopeful that my soulmate is out there and i will meet him in time to come.

PS. 'There is enough for everyone, but I am still waiting in line.
Somebody tell me why i am on my own, if there is a soulmate for everyone.''

Cheers

Nols